Learning To Fly - Post 28

Quote of the Day:
"It's so much easier to talk when the lights are off."
- Me



Quick update since the last post:
I did end up moving. I was fortunate enough to get a hold of a Housing staff member, who was working over the weekend, and was able to have a bed put in my new apartment. No clue what's gonna happen to the painting...so far, nothing's happened yet. Surprised? I'm not.
Am I still mad? Of course. But is anyone going to care? Nope, of course not.


So I've been thinking and here's what I've come up with:

1) I don't do well with mediocre goals.
Remember how I was thinking that working out 3 times a week was a realistic goal, so I'd stick with that (rather than saying I'll work out every night or so)...well, somehow I've been using that "only 3 times" as an excuse. I keep thinking, "Oh, I'm tired tonight and I don't really have to do it because I got enough other days left this week"...but then something comes up those other days and then I do nothing at all. It's like in school when I wasn't able to just study for a "B"...even when I knew that a "B" was enough to get me an "A" overall in the course. I mean, how do you study for a B? What if you think you've studied enough for a "B" and then it turns out to only be a "C." Or worse, you totally miscalculate and end up with a "D." Okay, that probably wouldn't happen, but still.... I've just never been able to not go all out for something. The only help was my talent in procrastinating...when I started studying enough, I ended up only studying for an "A" (and possibly panicking the morning of the exam) instead of studying for an "A+." But it was never because I didn't have high goals.
So I guess I'll have to reevaluate those goals, huh?

2) I take it, take it, take it and then I blow up.
Okay, I may have to explain that one a little better...
It's like this: Things don't go my way and I deal with it. I try to find a way to live with it. I may vent to a friend or on this blog, but then I make the situation work and I won't say anything to anyone...most of the time, I won't even admit to myself that it's bothering me. I'm pretty good at ignoring my own feelings and convincing myself that they don't exist. Like I pretended for the longest time that the whole apartment-not-being-ready thing in the Fall wasn't that big a deal. Yeah, at times I'd get annoyed, but overall, I just accepted it. That's what it's like working in Reslife, right?
I convinced myself that I was okay with all these "interventions" people had with me in attempts to stop me from working so hard because they came out of concern about me. Deep down I knew that I thought they were annoying and stupid...after all, if you know me at all, you would know that these talks don't work with me...that they only throw me in bigger disarray and I end up staying up all night thinking about what I should do and what consequences these talks would have on my career and my goals...and in the end, I slept less, worked harder and worried more. Not exactly an improvement in terms of having balance in your life, huh?
Anyway, I've gotten sidetracked...
So all these things, I've just kind of accepted them, dealt with them, not said anything.
And then something happens, like the stupid thing with my move last weekend, and I blow up. Fortunately for my colleagues, I was all by myself in my apartment, so nobody had to witness my blow-up this time. But for a very long time, I've been feeling ready to blow...like the smallest thing can push me over the edge...like a ticking bomb....
I guess it'd be healthier to express my feelings a little more often and not to let it all build up so much. So why don't I do that???
Hmmm, there's definitely fear...fear of it hurting my career if I actually say what I think and the wrong person hears it; but also the fear of nothing being done about it and me feeling even more disappointed and frustrated afterwards. There's also the lack of a forum to ever really express your thoughts. An "End-of-the-Year" survey is a nice thing and I'm sure makes department heads feel better about themselves, but is that really enough???
I'm sure there's a million other reasons I could come up with, if I think about it a little longer.
But it's almost my bedtime (remember, I have to get up early this summer for work...and the first Orientation session is tomorrow...AHHHH!!!) and this has gotten long enough already...
And there's one more thing I wanted to talk about...

3) The one thing I learned from being a journalism major is to forget about your audience's reactions/feelings when you start writing.
(I'm not sure if that's something I was supposed to learn....)
But seriously: I used to write these columns and I would sometimes write slightly controversial things...and I'd totally forget that people were actually reading this column and that my name was attached to it (as well as a picture). And when someone commented on one of my columns, I was always shocked...suddenly remember again that people actually read them. But I think that really helped me. If I'd been worrying about what people thought, about the consequences of my writings, I would never written half the things.
Similarly with this blog...
Some people, who know me and know that I'm writing these posts, have asked me how I can put myself out there so much...how I can be so honest about how I feel/what I think, etc.
Well, to be honest, half the time I forget that people actually read this. And I'm kinda glad I do, because otherwise all you'd get to read would be politically correct but horribly boring little stories about how wonderful this job is and how well things are going.
it's kind of like when my friends and I, or my sister and I, used to have sleepovers and we'd turn the lights off and talk for hours and hours...because it's so much easier to talk and to be honest when the lights are off, right?
Maybe we should have feedback sessions at work with the lights turned off...haha.