Learning to Fly - Post 13

Quote of the Day:
"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real."
- Tupac Shakur

So...it's been a while. It feels like winter break was forever ago and I'm already ready for another break. This semester has been busy, even though not as stressful as last semester was. I definitely have a lot more free time...I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I haven't really found that group of friends here yet. All my friends from grad school and undergrad are far away. I'm as always single. So the people I spend the most time with are my RAs and RHA students, but that doesn't always work either since I am their supervisor and just can't tag along for certain things...and I wouldn't want to be that creepy hall director who follows her RAs everywhere. So yeah, it tends to get a little lonely around here.
I've spent my days reading (from Jane Austein's Pride & Prejudice, to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - all four books now - and Eragon). The problem with me and reading is that I get too sucked into my books and then I stay up too late and am tired the next day at work. And as much as I love my books and could spend days or even weeks just lying on my bed reading, sometimes I do need some human interaction.
I know partially it's my own fault. I'm a workaholic...not just a regular workaholic but totally to the extreme. I love my job and I care about my students...so that's all I do. Even when I'm at home, I think about what I could do at work the next day or fun things I could do with my students. I read Student Affairs literature. I make elaborate door decorations for my staff. And and and.
And now, one semester into the new job in a new state - far away from my friends - I'm starting to realize that I kind of missed my opportunity to make new friends. By now, everyone else seems to have these set groups of friends, and while I get to tag along for all-staff outings or birthday parties, I'm not really invited for the small, more intimate gatherings. I just get to hear about them the next day.
It doesn't help that I don't drink either. I honestly have nothing against drinking (well, I hate when people drink too much or drunk driving and these things...but if you want to have a couple drinks - Hey, go for it!) but for some reason people seem to be uncomfortable around me because I don't drink. At least that's the impression I'm getting.
It's kind of ironic because I used to be the "party girl." I remember one year, when I was Orientation Leader, I was called into the office of my supervisor because she was worried about me going out too much. Apparently I needed to be more awake during training sessions and a better role model for my colleagues as well as the first-year students. But I always believed that since I didn't drink and didn't do anything really stupid, I was role modeling how to have fun without being under the influence of alcohol. And I think that's a pretty cool thing to role-model. Well, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who thinks so.
I just don't get it...my friends from high school never care if I drink or not. They actually love it because it means that I can be the designated driver and they don't have to worry about anything. And they know me...I'll do stupid things with them even when I'm sober. To be honst, I act a lot more stupid when I am sober because I'm not worried about how the alcohol is affecting my judgement.

Okay, how did I get started on this topic again? Oh yeah, I've been a little lonely lately.
*Sigh.* Life will go one, right?

I'm also terribly anxious right now. We just had to hand in our letters of intent and our learning community preferences. And today, the central staff decided which building we'll be in. And I really really really want to be in a different learning community next year. I mean, there's just one that totally fits my personality, my values, my professional goals...it's just PERFECT.
I've been trying really hard not to get too attached, so that I wouldn't be too disappointed. But let's be honest, if I don't get it, I'm gonna be crushed.
I mean, I had to go through this whole internal placement process for my second year of grad school. We had to rank the eight or nine options there were for grad students, and then write a two-page explanation why we wanted to be in these areas. I put so much time and effort into it...because to be honest, there was one area I just really really really didn't want to get stuck in. I ranked that one as my last choice and even explained in the letter why I didn't want to be there. And guess what happened...I got that one of course. And it was horrible. I was miserable all year. And when your job's your life, it sucks when you're unhappy at your job, you know.
I think that experience scarred me for life. I'm seriously terrified now. I just feel like I'm not going to get what I want and I'm going to be destroyed. Or maybe I'm just trying to tell myself that I won't get what I want, so I won't get my hopes up. But I know, subconsciously, I'm still hoping for that specific learning community. Does that make any sense?

Why am I such a drama queen? And why do I take things so to heart? This should just be a job, right? But it's not...it's so much more!!!

AHHHH, I'm going to drive myself crazy.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.