Learning to Fly - Post 14

Quote of the Day:
"Be the change you want to see in the world."
- Mahatma Gandhi


Hey,
Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate them. And it helps so much to hear that I'm not the only going through all this...

But today, I have a little story for you...

So I've told you that I was superanxious about my placement for next year. I just really really wanted this one living learning community...it just felt like the right place for me, you know.
Well, this Monday, central staff met to discuss and decide our placements. But then we of course still had to wait for the letters.
I somehow managed to get through Monday night and even got so distracted with work (reading through RA Candidate files since selection was today, Friday) that I totally forgot about it on Tuesday. Until we had our team meeting and our coordinator told us that the placement letters had been delayed but should be in our mailboxes Wednesday morning. She also asked us, if we wanted her to e-mail us as soon as the letters were in the mailboxes. Well, I'm sure you can imagine what my answer was...

But here's where "crazy Me" started to come out again. My coordinator had looked kind of serious when she asked whether I wanted her to e-mail me when the letters came out or not. But then, when I said yes really really quickly, she kind of laughed. So what did that mean? Was she that serious because she knew I'd be disappointed when I got my letter? Or did the laugh mean that I had gotten my first choice? What did it mean?
I continued to obsess for the rest of the night. I couldn't fall asleep until 3 AM. No wonder I was exhausted when my alarm clock rang at 7:30 AM. I got up and dragged myself to the office. The first thing I did was check my e-mail. I didn't really expect the letters to be there yet...but it didn't hurt to check. No, no e-mail from my coordinator.

I had a meeting with my graduate assistant to discuss RA Candidates. Throughout the meeting, I kept glancing at my computer to see if I'd gotten any new e-mails. Whenever I heard the sound that tells me that I've got new mail, I broke off in mid-sentence and checked really quickly what it was.
Still nothing at 10 AM. I couldn't sit still anymore. Fortunately, I had another meeting...to talk about publicity for the Tunnel of Oppression. So I went there; we worked for a little while; but then were done early. I had a meeting with my RHA Co-Advisor, one of the coordinators, at 11 AM in the central office. I didn't want to be too early...what if the letters weren't in yet? I'd be all jumpy and nervous and I really didn't need the central staff to see me like that. I went to the bathroom before the meeting and just took my time. I stared in the mirror, fixed my hair (not that I managed to make it look any better), practiced my poker face for when I'd open the letter, ....
Almost 11 AM. I took a deep breath and went into the office. Still nothing. I had the meeting with my RHA Co-Advisor. He just also happens to be the coordinator of the living learning community (LLC) I was trying to get. That didn't help. Throughout the whole meeting, all I kept thinking was, "Did I get it?" He smiles...in my head I'm going "Does that mean I got my LLC?"
It's really hard to form a coherent sentence when in your head you're obsessing about every move and facial expression of the other person; trying to read what it means. Good news? Bad news?

The meeting was over. Still nothing. What was going on? Where they trying to torture me???
My hands start shaking when I get really nervous (I used to play piano and I'd get terrible stagefright...let me tell you, it's not easy to play piano when your hands are shaking...I also get that nervous twitch in my right foot. Very weird!). Well, my foot wasn't twitching yet, but I had to push my hands all the way down in the pockets of my jacket to stop them from shaking.

I dragged myself back to my office. I'd much rather just camped out right in front of the mailboxes, but that would have looked a little awkward, don't you think?
I tried to distract myself. It didn't work. The next hour and a half is a blur. I don't really remember if I had anything for lunch. I must have eaten something...not sure. I tried to prepare for my Career Development course that I'm teaching (at 2 PM, Mondays & Wednesdays). I would be typing up a quick outline for the course. The next thing I remember is I was sitting there staring out the window. What happened? What was I doing there? I had to force myself to look back at the computer screen and continue working. My e-mail (Eudora) checks itself every few minutes...I couldn't wait that long. I kept checking the mail. Why hadn't my coordinator e-mailed me yet? What were they playin' at?

A new IM window pops up.
"Go check your mail."
It's one of my colleagues and friends.
"What?"
"The letters are in. We just got an e-mail."
I checked my mail. How could I have missed that? No, I didn't have an e-mail yet? Was anything wrong with my e-mail? I checked again. There, a new mail. Oh yes, that was it...
It just said "The Placement letters are in."

I check the time. It's 1:30 PM. I have class at 2 PM. I haven't finished my class outline yet (fortunately, I'll have a guest speaker but I should have gone over some assignments and reminders). I really had to finish that first. My mind had gone blank. I couldn't think...
Like a robot, I continued what I was doing.

The phone rang.
"Are you rushing over there yet?"
Another one of my colleagues and friends. Maybe I shouldn't have told them all how much I wanted that community. If I didn't get it, they'll all be sad for me and supportive...and it'd only make me feel more awful.
"I need to finish my stuff for class, but then I'm running over."
"Okay. I'm going to let you go then."

Yes, done! I hit print, grab my bag, throw the class outline in it, put on a coat...and off we go.
I rush over to the office. I have to stop myself from running; I don't want to be totally out of breath when I get there.
There I am. The entrance to the office. I take a deep breath. I rush down the corridor. My coordinator is sitting in her office. I look down and go straight to the mailboxes...there's some flyers...and here's the letter. I grab it. I turn around, not looking up. I rush down the hallway, avoiding eye contact at all cost as I'm passing people's offices.
I'm outside. My hands are now definitely shaking. I can barely open the envelope. I pull out the letter. I hesitate for a second. This is it! I take a deep breath and...
"Congratuations.....leadership."
Suddenly, I have tears in my eyes. My hands are still shaking. I almost drop the letter. I just stand there, staring at those two words...."congratulations...leadership." Does it really mean what I think it means? I can't grasp it.

Shoot, I have class in a few minutes. Still clasping the letter firmly in both hands, I start walking again. I read as I'm walking. "Tentatively housed in [Building Name]...blah blah blah...training preparation dates...blah blah blah..." I'll read it later. I go back to the first sentence. Is it true?

Somehow I made it to class that day. I was even a few minutes early. Enough to call my friend and leave her a slightly incoherent but extremely happy voicemail.

Class starts. Yay for guest speakers! I don't know how I would have made it through class otherwise.
I was sitting at the side, my class notes in front of me...right nex to the letter. Every few minutes, I looked over...just to check...yes, it was still there. Was I dreaming? Did it really mean what I thought? Or was I reading the letter wrong? I checked again. No, there it was.

I don't think I've really grasped it yet. People keep congratulating me (not like I really did anything...I just, for once, was lucky and got my preference); friends keep calling; colleagues asking where I'm at and what I think about it. I give the standards answers, "I'm so excited." "Yeah, I'm so happy." "It's gonna be great." But those words just don't describe how I feel. No words could.
It's like this feeling, this happiness or whatever you want to call it, is so big that I can't feel it all at once. I just feel numb. I can't believe it's true. I'm really going to be working with this community next year.

I mean I've been loving my job this year. Yeah, there's stressful times; there's problems with staff members; there's loud noise in my corridor that keeps me up at night; there's frustrations about not accomplishing anything in pointless meetings about my current living learning community; there's disagreements with colleagues; and and and. But overall, I love it.
Can you imagine how much more amazing it'll be next year when I'll have a living learning community that I'm actually passionate about???

These past few days have, once again, been just a blur. Randomly, some idea for next year will come to my mind...I grab the next piece of paper or post-it note and write it down. Every once in a while, I still question if this is really true. So I've been carrying the letter around with me...just so I can check...you know, just to make sure.

Wow, writing this has been so weird. It's like, now it's really true because I'm posting it on this Blog.

There's only one little black cloud in this whole blue sky (okay, this was the worst metaphor ever but I think I'm much more creative when I'm depressed...maybe that's why most genuises had an awful life...):
Not everyone's been happy with their placements. And I feel like I can't celebrate and be excited in front of some people, because I don't want to make them feel worse. I know, two years (in grad school) when I didn't get any of my preferences for placement, I was seriously bitter. And anyone else being happy about their placement only made me more bitter because I kept questioning why they got their choice and I didn't. What had I done wrong? I felt awful. I don't want to make anyone feel like that.
But I also can't help smiling right now. I want to jump up and down. I want to laugh and scream. I want to do cartwheels.
Instead, I try to do the professinal thing...answer short and brief when asked about placement...acknowledge my excitement but wait for the "dance of joy" till I get back to the solitude of my apartment. But there, I have to admit, I did a little dance and jumped up and down a couple times.

I still can't believe it...